Circle of Death

Allow myself to introduce...myself. I will go by Jade. Thank you for my new name, Miss Pants. I am fun, spunky, age is a number (so, don't worry about it), and I may or may not enjoy long walks on the beach.

What makes me think I can run this party train like the one and only who oh so cleverly spoke what all of you were thinking? I will do my best, with the help of my trusty sidekick, She-Wolf Queen. I am not talking about cameras following us around at our favorite watering hole while we dub ourselves as "reality show worthy." I am just talking about spilling some oh-so ridiculous stories for your reading pleasure. Come to think of it, that story may be worth telling at some point...depends on how exciting I am.

Recent events have made me become more detail-oriented. So, maybe I should be saying thank you to several men, but I am not going to just because I don't have to- so there.

Picture it-you walk into a drinking establishment to have A BEER with your ladies and Hottie McHotterson catches your eye...you catch his. He maybe gives you a "I am going to walk over to you-is that what you want" look. You nod or wink (yes, what you do says a lot about your style and we might judge you), as he slowly approaches. You ignore the first lame comment because he is not wearing white tennis shoes and the conversation begins. Later you decide it was not that great, but in the moment you are picking out the names of your children because he 1. actually graduated from college 2. has a cute smile 3. has a job 4. might have reliable transportation 5. is not wearing white tennis shoes 6. actually lives in Birmingham. He may even be asking you questions and seem genuinely interested. 10 or 15 minutes pass and things are still moving along great. Oh yeah-asking for the phone number. I am singing the "I have a date song" in my head and yes, there is a song. But wait...your friend nudges you in mid-conversation to whisper the last words you want to hear...wedding ring, as we appropriately now call it "the circle of death."

Of course. Of course. No. Surely not. I would have seen it. I will be looking for you now, circle of death.

No way he would have wanted to know about my parents and asked for my phone number! Oh, yes..I forgot. This is how it works-par for the freakin course. I try to hard and of course.

At this point, my friends have been trying to listen in on the conversation and more or less mocking me being flirty the entire time I have been talking to Tiger Woods. Not that they do not wish I found the man of my dreams, but it is usually "pee your pants" funny to watch one of your good friends flirt with a random. "Oh yeah, there she goes. Just watch her." I have to go to the group and spill it-directly after I let Tiger have a piece of my mind (in a very classy, I am a big-talker kind of way).

"Seriously? Are you kidding me right now," I say as I hold up his hand with the tarnished wedding band. He pulls the "I thought you knew card." Last time I checked I did not have x-ray vision into your pockets to see where you have been hiding that ring. I also did not check because you were asking me questions about myself-I get to talk about myself and you were successfully prestending like you were interested...I am not paying attention to your mysterious hand. "I mean, you just talked to me for about 10 minutes and got to the point where you asked for my number-and you are married? I mean-wow. Just delete it." He tells me that he is sorry and that he will give me some time to think that one over and then he disappears into the crowd.

I UNLOAD on my friends as they laugh hysterically and give me the pity looks. A few say he wasn't that great anyway.

Ouch. Yuck. Disgusting. Never hear from him again...OR

every 10 to 15 minutes for the next 2 hours I get texts asking me to just talk to him or just hang out with him and that it is not that big of a deal. He claims to never do this and that I am making a big deal out of nothing.

DELETE MY NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE! Surely I will hear nothing now.

8:23 AM: "Sorry again about lasy night, but I don't see why we cannot just text."

pathetic.

ME: "You should be and delete my number from your phone. I feel really sorry for your wife."

It worked that time. The sad and even more pathetic part of this whole story is that it was just the beginning of the married men thinking that they shold see if they "still have it." Nothing wrong with seeing if a girl will talk to you, but when you ask her for her phone number and send waaayyy too many texts after she has established and reminded you that you are a douche, don't keep trying. Go home to your wife and attempt to be a good husband. If you are going to wear the circle of death, bring the wife, stay home or just don't be an idiot. I mean, I'm just saying.

Too much? Cut me some slack. I can talk a flee off of a dog and I am not sure about this whole blogging journey I am embarking upon, so don't judge me yet.

xoxo, Jade

The torch must be passed.

Wow.  So exactly a year later from my last post, and I'm still in that same relationship. I supposed this is getting quite serious.  Which brings me to an inevitable realization, I must pass the torch.  Honestly, I had forgotten about this little beauty of a blog,.  After hearing some of my good friends latest stories, I suddenly knew I had to have them to share.  So without further ado, I welcome my friends She-Wolf Queen and Jade (see The Hangover).  I hope they like their new nicknames. :)

Needless to say, names my change to protect the innocent, or not so innocent, maybe to protect the authors.  The look and outline will probably change as well, but no worries, the content will still be amazing.

Peace out cub scout.

How on Earth can I be anymore obvious?

I start this as a plea. I plea for you to PLEASE stop calling BTR.

As our friend Lily Allen says, "How on Earth can I be anymore obvious. It never really happened, now it's never gonna happen with the two of us. I don't understand what it is that your chasing after, but it makes me sad to hear you sound so desperate. I just makes it harder."

Maybe you should just listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_5QWameMBA

Anyways, so BTR gives her digits to the bar back. I get it I guess, it's your most frequented bar these days and you're really not a bitch, so I can understand the need to not make the situation awkward. Little did you know, we were going to have a lil stalker on our hands!

Mr. Bar Back called, and called again. And again. And again. AND AGAIN.

Please read one of the most awkward and desperate (and omg why don't you know what it means when people screen your calls) voicemails I've ever had the pleasure of hearing.

"Hey BTR* this is Bar Back*, ummm I wanted to give you a call to apologize for last night. Wewe got a little busy but I could of broken away and chit-chatted with you guys a little bit, but the truth be told I got kinda nervous, You looked really pretty last night and I got little butterflies in my stomach and ummm by the time I got up the courage ya'll were walking out the door. ummm but anyway I apologize and im not normally this much of a putz and dont want you to think anything. ummm so I will see you tonight and ummm I will talk to you tonight but umm (insert creeepy ass laugh) but just wanted to call and apologize and umm im sorry i was a lame ass and have a good day. Have a good day hope to see you tonight if not I look forward to seeing you next time. Talk to you later."

And yes, it was 7 min long.

So here's my question, why does he keep calling? He left this message on Saturday, and since then has called 2 more times. Get the hint dude. She doesn't asnwer because she's "just not that into you." Someone please send him the book.

At this point, we're all volunteering to tell him ourselves. What would you say? I think I'd say exactly this, "Dear Bar Back Boy, I believe that you've somehow mistaken my friend's intentions. Now, you may think she ignores EVERYONE's call because she's so incredibly busy, and that it's not just you. But honey, that's not the case. She has the swine flu."

You are an A-S-S my friend.

DISCLAIMER: FOR GIRLS ONLY because bitching makes us feel better.

I'm just thinking about how mean/dumb/selfish BOYS are. I say boys because only 25% of you deserve to be called Men, and 25% is being generous.

For you, Corey, in honor of a best friend (because you're too classy to cuss him out in person like he deserves):

I don't understand how feelings can change within a matter of days. How in God's name, can you text "i love you" to a girl you've been dating for over 4 months and then 5 days later, completely brush her off as if she doesn't exist.

Oh that's right, you're an ass.

To be realistic, I can understand how feelings can change. Honestly, I do, it's life and it happens. However what I don't understand is you taking the peckerhead (thanks for that word Gramps), cowardly way out.

Oh that's right, you're selfish.

What was your reason in asking her to Birmingham to a wedding anyways? She drove to see you, not having seen you in a month. But don't worry, her feelings weren't hurt when you blatantly avoided her. Well, until of course you saw her taking shots with another boy. Then you come over for a, "Hey babe, what's up?"

Oh that's right, you're selfish, mean AND an ass.

I even could careless how mean you are to her friends, as long as you're nice to her. But I guess you can't even pull that off?

I wanted to tell you when you were sleeping on my floor that you're not even good enough to sleep on filth, not to mention my carpet...but hey, I'm a nice girl.

When you tried to tell her she could no longer come to that wedding because she didn't have a seat, I guess I was right to ask, "do you believe him?" I especially saw through your measly attempts to soften the blow through texts messages that read, "I'm so sorry. I'm so mad. Please don't hate me. I feel like you're going to hate me."

Why would you even bother to tell her you're going to meet her out afterward? You knew all along you'd never call again.

OHHHHHHHHHHH that's right, you're mean, you're selfish, you're dumb, you're just plain shitty.

Note: For the guys who actually read through this, this are the types guys who make you all look bad...and in turn, makes girls just a lil bit crazy.

Cat got your tongue?

No, not necessarily, but maybe someone?

I have nothing to write about. Unless you want cute, not so funny, stories. I'll leave it up to my friends. Let me know if you prefer nothing, or cute.

Then again, I could tell everyone about my friends and their dates with rocket scientists who need to learn a little tact. Other than that...

the Bachelor

i just wrote an entire post about the Bachelor and then erased it all....ha

I was just babbling anyways! How about I post "my 25 things about me," and then the more time I think about it...maybe some aren't so important. After thoughts in parentheses. Something to note, I'm sorry. I still want a gun.

1. I hate painting with the color brown.
2. I've want to be a flight attendant because I love flying so much. (I've been feeling the need to settle down lately...so this probably wouldn't be such a great idea.)
3. I learned the guitar when I was 15. It's sitting in my closet, and I haven't touched it in a long time. (Someone's given me the urge to get it down.)
4. I have incredible parking karma. (It's not always there, but i think that's part of the karma...how you respond when it skips you.)
5. I treasure my ability to be honest with people, and wish that everyone felt that way.
6. I could be really happy in the middle of no where with paints music and a horse. (I'd get extremely lonely)
7. I love forehead kisses, but doesn't every girl? (i love all kisses really, everywhere...those are just the best)
8. I wish I would have majored in Studio Art, instead of just a minor.
9. I wish I didn't worry about things as much.
10. I used to bite my nails. (still do when I'm extremely nervous..or just have intense nervous energy).
11. I have a love/hate relationship with red wine.
12. I want really really long hair.
13. I love having great connections with people.
14. I just recently feel in love with Kings of Leon.
15. I tend to settle. (in relationships...every day life. No way.)
16. I have a really great friend who I've never met in person.
17. I hate working out, but i love going to the gym in the morning. (if i can wake up--i wish they gave away a prize at the end.)
18. My Mom is my best friend. (but i do have a few others i cherish!)
19. I'm not very emotional, but I cry most times I leave my parents house. (ok--so i can be emotional, but maybe i just don't cry as much as some people)
20. I'm pretty sure I could befriend a brick wall.
21. What I want most from people is respect.
22. I want to try snowboarding next time I go skiing.
23. I've only been Methodist for less than 1/2 my life. (my religious beliefs have varied so much in the past 5-7 years...I'm not sure what I am. A do-er?)
24. I've moved 23 times in 8 cities...all in Alabama.
25. I want a gun.

this blog

I just reread some old posts. I used to write better, more comprehensible, not all over the place. I wrote about some depressing shit, and you'd think I hated men. I honestly love them.

I'm glad only my friends read this. :)